I have a lot going on; I am studying a Business degree full-time, and work in a busy role part-time; I have exercise commitments three times a week, a social life, a house to clean, dinners to cook, and blogs to write. The list goes on; plus there’s always ironing…
I have no reason to be bored; Yet, I am.
A terrible guilt washes over me for even saying it aloud; but, you know; the first step, and all that…
I have spent the last twelve months wandering aimlessly around my home, my casual and part-time jobs, my study, and my social life, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. When will it kick back in? The elusive “’It” is ambition; drive; appetite for life.
I know I sound like a spoiled first-world brat; and perhaps I am (the reason for writing these thoughts in a public forum is to invite conversation, so go on, tell me how it is), but is it just a ‘mood’, or has something inherent shifted in me that I will never get back?
Taking on the world
From since I can remember I was a bright, ambitious girl with big ideas and enough energy and enthusiasm to make them happen. I spent thirteen years pursuing a career as a Music Administrator – a job I fell over myself to obtain and achieve in; I had immense pride in my work and an incomparable care-factor – I sacrificed personal comforts, relationships, I’ll go as far as to say destiny, for the greater good of the job, the company, the art. I gave it everything I had.
A new chapter?
Last year, after many months of painstaking soul searching, garnished with a physical breakdown, I finally made the decision that the career I had been pursuing all these years, was no longer for me (read: I was no longer for it). I said my goodbyes and stepped out onto the sunny pavement feeling lighter than I had in years. This was the right decision for me. I was ready to start a new chapter in my professional life, and it was going to feel good.
After four months of applying for part-time work I started to get worried. I was scoring some temping work here and there, but times were tough, and I needed something stable. But on reflection I know I wasn’t getting permanent jobs because I didn’t really want them. I felt so emotionally affected from my ‘break-up’ with music that I just wanted the license to bury my head under a pillow and eat ice cream the other heartbroken women get.
I spent hours, days, weeks, months, thinking about what it was I actually wanted to do. “I like cooking – Maybe I could open a café? I like helping – maybe I can work in a charity? I like animals – maybe I should be a vet? I like writing – Maybe I should live in the mountains and start on a manuscript? I like getting in over my head – Maybe I could commit to saving the world? I am good at Administration – maybe I should just go and get a fucking job? But I don’t want just any fucking job – I want something I love – something I’m passionate about…I wish I could move to Byron Bay. I like yoga… ” And on it went.
Who am I?
I searched in every nook and cranny in my mind, and nowhere could I pin-point the next dream job to go bounding after with all the pathetic slobbering enthusiasm I had with my previous goal. I hit wall after wall. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to do – after entering into music because I was passionate about music, and ending up hating it – I was scared that if I chose something I liked/loved to work in, I’d end up hating that too (a friend of mine once told me that I “over-think things” – what do you reckon?).
It became somwhat of a self-identitiy crisis, as I found myself suddenly missing something that used to make up a massive part of who I was. When asked socially what I do,I even caught myself saying(and later berrated myself), "Well I used to work in music bla bla bla...and now I'm...." It took me along time to figure out how to 're-answer' that question.
Priorities
I wrote myself a list of all the things I want in a job, and then I started to apply. I got the perfect-on-paper job. It is a truly wonderful job, with wonderful people. Yet, I am left wanting.
It’s now twelve months since I left my ambitious self behind and I’m still no closer to finding something that I just have to do – A vision to work towards; and end goal. And I realise it is affecting my approach to the rest of my life. I’ve become slow, lazy, sloppy. There is a saying that if you want something done, ask the busiest person in the room. Busyness creates busyness, and ultimately momentum.
I’ve lost my momentum.
Or have I? Is it simply that I am growing up, and that I realise that work and career isn’t the be all and end all? Am I just mellowing out? Does career have to have such importance in a person’s whole life, just because it once did? Am I just a first-world brat that has developed Flat-Affect and just bored with everything? Do we have to love what we do – like we keep being told? Is it simply time for me to hang up the dreams of yester-year and bunker down for House-keeping? Am I just giving up?
I’m not saying I’ve entirely lost hope that it will ever return; but I’m standing at a blank drawing board, waiting for lightning to strike.
I’m interested to know if there’s any other career women out there who have had a change of heart, and how you’ve navigated your way through it. Tell me about it.
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